Warning: There is no swearing in this blog. Or is there?

I travelled through winding passes bordered by thunderous mountains, crossed rivers and streams jumping and playing in emerald excitement, witnessed raw, natural beauty from craggy peaks with sheer drops. And at the end of my journey, there she lay: Krabbi Town, the shittiest old boiler of a holiday hole you could ever want to visit.
I fell out of the bus and immediately jumped on the back of a motorbike, backpack and all. The driver was a cocky son-of-a-bitch who immediately started going the wrong way down the main road until I tapped him on the shoulder and told him to turn around. Thank goodness for India - it had taught me just to give directions and not get involved in any kind of face saving activity.
I was safely though unassuredly dumped at the entrance to the River View hotel, where I was met by the very genial manager who gave me some good ideas for things to do in Krabi. Being a local, he was very informative and would make a big difference to my visit. I would book nearly all my trips with him and he actually waived his fee on one of them.
By now it was late afternoon and I was tired. I wandered down past the surprisingly named Krabi River, watching longtail boats puttering off to uncountable destinations.

I waited half an hour for this fucking shot...

I drifted back to the hotel in the twilight, wondering where the world had disappeared to. If this was a holiday town, then it must be where the dead came to spend their decrepit vacations, mouldering in stained wicker armchairs whilst talking about the state of decay, because there was little sign of life here.
The next day I strolled into town. At the central crossroads, large plastic gorillas sat atop the traffic lights. They didn't light up, they didn't move and they didn't crazily try to direct traffic into a big pile up, though that would have been funny. However, as Krabi High street is Squaresville daddio, it made a good reference point for when you were lost by the mundanity of the place.
Seemingly from nowhere, the over friendly motorbike taxi driver that had taken me to my hotel the previous day appeared before me as if he had just sloughed off Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. He shook my hand vigorously and attempted to set up a number of tours with me. I picked up the cloak he had just dropped and made myself invisible, walking away as if nobody could see me. He stared after me as if I was crazy, but I wasn't. I was invisible.
I whisked through the shopping centre, buying some swimwear for a trip I intended to take later in the week. The mall I found myself in was clean and modern and comparable to any western mall apart from the unfamiliar brands, which was refreshing.
I ambled around town and found a quirky little cafe that dressed itself down to look like a tribal kitchen. It was called First Corner and had a rather good selection of veggie food. The owner greeted me with a smile and went about the business of delivering my food laconically and without fuss. It was delicious and I returned there several times that week.
I headed down to the docks to see if I could get a boat to Railay, a supposedly beautiful peninsular with great beaches. The boat driver was waiting for eight people to turn up. I was the only one waiting so I decided to go another day.
Later in the evening I visited a bar called the Old West Saloon. It was supposed to be Krabi's hottest bar, but the only heat it was generating was hot air from the mouth of a rather loud American bragging about his travels in Thailand. I settled down for a few beers and pulled out my iPhone to see what was going on back home. After a little while, a young bloke who was one of the only other patrons in the bar that night asked to see what apps I had on my phone. It was an unusual request, but I let him have a peek and he seemed a little disappointed. It turned out that he was an iPhone developer and had a popular app available - an Alan Partridge soundboard.
We got chatting and Tim (as he was called) turned out to be a bright young man and really good company. We were interested in many of the same subjects and talked about technology (especially the iPhone), Ancient Egypt (we were both fans), music (comparing playlists), women (a sometimes endless and bewilderingly complex topic in itself), books, the environment, conspiracy theories and other general bollocks. Beers went down fast and turned into sambuca shots. Before we knew it, we were both battered, it was half five in the morning and we were staring into the faces of some very cheesed off bar staff.

Me and Tim in the Old West. It’s vaguely possible that I may be slightly drunk here.

Promising to meet up again the next day, we said our farewells and I stumbled back to my hotel. As I was entering, the sun was rising and the hotel manager was at the door to greet me.
"What was open at this time in the morning?" he asked, a quizzical smile upon his face.
I stretched my arms wide and slurred, "The whole town was open for me." For some reason I thought this to be an incredibly urbane response, and I hauled my slumped frame up the stairs to my room, giggling all the way.
The next day was a write off. Again i tried to jump on a longtail boat to Railay, but by the time I got down to the docks mid-afternoon, the last boat had sailed.
Instead, I ate in First Corner and met Tim down the Old West where we continued our conversations from the previous evening but in a naturally much more subdued manner, even managing to get an early night.
I had booked a tour the next day marketed rather lazily as the "James Bond Tour," the reasons for which will become apparent. However, the day would be spent around Phang Nga National Park, a truly wondrous place.
A minibus picked me up outside my hotel and took me to a larger bus which then sped around Krabi for an hour until we reached a small dock near the tourist town of Ao Nang.
The longtail sped off with about twenty of us on board, spray curling through the air and cooling our faces as we made our way past Coconut Island and on to Kao Majoo. Here we disembarked and three of us jumped into kayaks with a jovial local man who spoke softly in Thai as he paddled us around. We went through Tam Lod, a limestone cave that led into an isolated cove where a vital stillness silenced the voices of the other tourists around us. It was quite beautiful.

We ploughed on through a shallow sea, under arches and natural tunnels, past drenched limestone crags with greenery clinging to them like drowning men. The scenery was astonishing.

Nice

Next the longtail sped off through Phang Nga Bay to Ko Khao Phingkan. Here, a monolithic limestone crag called Ko Tapu pushes its way up 20 metres from sea level. This site was filmed in 1974 for the Man With the Golden Gun, and so the island is often referred to as James Bond Island. It really was a pretty little place, but unfortunately it's become so commercialised that stalls have been set up selling all kinds of tourist tat and shutterbug idiots like myself stumble around the winding paths of the island trying to make the best of the light, whilst essentially all taking the same photo.

The longtail took off once more, and the view of James Bond Island from the sea was quite spectacular. Being a scene locator for the film industry must be such a difficult job.
Next we headed for Ko Panyee. Sheltered by a huge limestone karst, this floating village was started by three Muslim families 200 years ago who weren't made welcome on the mainland. Now Ko Panyee is a thriving fishing port, and of course, a main stop in the Phang Nga Bay tourist circuit.

The village itself is colourful and well maintained with a mosque, a quaint little school and shops everywhere - mainly aimed at tourists but with some also selling fare for the locals. It's such an impressive place to walk around and soak up the atmosphere, but it looks absolutely amazing from the water.

Next, we headed back to the mainland and jumped on the bus that took us to Wat Suwankuha, or the Monkey Cave Temple.
One of the Buddha statues here had an unsettling stare, a bit like the stranger that your parents warned you about when you were a child. It was as if the real Buddha had been stolen and an Asda replica had been put in its place. I must admit though, I kind of liked this Buddha. He was quirky and different - so unlike all the other Buddhas I was to see on my travels.

The cave itself was large and dank, and filled with hanging bats high on the ceiling. It was quite interesting to explore for about five minutes or so. To the rear of the main cavern was an incline that led out onto a lovely, peaceful view of the rainforest surrounding the cave. None of my fellow travellers found this spot, and I stood there for a while, breathing in the sweet, clean air and marvelling at natures wonders around me.
Back outside the cave, some lazy macaques begged for nuts that lazy vendors were selling to lazy tourists. I ignored this sham even though the monkeys were cute, and jumped straight back on the bus.
We were driven overland to a wooded area where a small, unimpressive waterfall trickled gently through the trees. I explored the rainforest a little, bumping into a Golden Orb Weaver spider, much like those I had seen in the forests of Wayanad in India but much smaller.
Afterwards, we were returned individually to our hotels, and after another meal at the First Corner Cafe, I headed down to see Tim and some other travellers at the Bluejuice Guesthouse where he was staying. We had a few drinks and played a card game called Stupid Bastard which was new to me. Luckily I won. I don't know whether that made me a stupid bastard or not. I think I've just answered my own question.
The next day it was time for another trip. The usual deal - a convoluted bus to the docks, but this time we were in a speedboat headed for Ko Phi Phi. The boat bounced and frolicked among the waves as it sped across the Andaman Sea towards Bamboo Island. We disembarked, and I walked the empty beach while white sand and azure sea caressed my eyes.

I made my way inland and hid from the harsh sun beneath a canopy of trees. What a beautiful island!
We took off at speed again, past mountainous islands to Hin Klang, a coral reef just over a mile off Laem Tong Beach on Phi Phi Island. Here I went snorkelling for the first time in my life, and what an amazing place to snorkel! The water was pure emerald, with the brilliant, multi-hued coral clearly visible.
At first, as I struck out from the boat, I swallowed a couple of big gulps of salty water and gagged. I flapped around like a seal having a stroke for a few seconds, then I reapplied the snorkel and had another go. Once you get used to the mask and breathing through a pipe, snorkelling is great fun. Within five minutes I was gliding serenely above the reef, staring in awe at the hundreds of brilliantly coloured fish. There were angel fish and parrot fish, fast swimming long bodied fish with an electric blue colour zipping around my peripheral vision. I wasn't aware until later that the guys on the boat were feeding them, which accounted for their excitement. I swam with the shoals and they swam with me. I didn't want to leave the beautifully warm water, but eventually I pulled myself out once I was sufficiently prune-like.
Next we headed off to Phi Ley Bay. Phi Phi actually consists of several islands. Of the two largest, the southern one, Phi Phi Ley is considerably smaller than Phi Phi Don but no less beautiful, and the bay we entered had staggering, vertical walls over a hundred metres tall. It was so naturally beautiful, it looked as if it had been concocted as a CGI backdrop for King Kong or Jurassic Park. The only real problem with it was me. Well not just me, but the other tourists with me. And not just them either, but all of the other tourists on all of the other boats that clogged up the bay as the vessels slowly and carefully drifted about trying to avoid each other. It was like an exceedingly dull "dodgems" track.

We left the bay and floated past the Viking Cave. This place is used to "farm" birds’ nests for the famous soup.
We accelerated off to Phi Phi Don for lunch at a Hotel near the main port. The food was average, and I spent more time windmilling at flies as they buzzed around my plate. The beach was pretty though.

Interesting business venture on Phi Phi Don beach

After lunch we headed to Maya Beach which was made famous by the film, "The Beach" starring the cabbage faced Leonardo Di Caprio (long before Martin Scorsese grabbed him and moulded him into a decent actor). There were complaints at the time that filming there had damaged the island's environment. However - I would contend that this has only happened since the beach became famous due to the film, because now it's awash with lobster pink tourists scuttling over the sands.

The boat crew gave us an option to either land on the beach or have more time for snorkelling. We sped away pretty quickly, and headed to Lohsamah Bay where we snorkelled for nearly an hour. There was a lot of brain coral around here and although there wasn't the same kind of diversity in the coral, the fish were in even more abundance. I had really found my snorkelling fins by now, and was dodging, weaving and turning with the fish as they swam around me. It was an amazing experience.
Finally, we drifted past Monkey Bay (where there were no visible monkeys – perhaps they had found my Harry Potter cloak) before heading back to the mainland.
Phang Nga Bay and the Phi Phi Islands were quite beautiful and should be on anyone's itinerary if they are in southern Thailand. By the way, Phi Phi is pronounced "pee pee" as in, "Nanny, I just done a pee pee in my pant pants and need a damn good hiding."
That night, Tim and I decided to explore the town a bit and find a different place to drink. We started in Bluejuice and headed past the Old West where the barman was sitting outside playing guitar. I grabbed it off him and began to play it and sing in the street. I hadn't played guitar since I had started travelling five months earlier and I really, really missed the feel and sound of the instrument. After showing off to an empty street for ten minutes, Tim and I headed down Maharaj, the main street in Krabi and found a bar called Crazy bar. Crazy was a place for locals, and we were the only westerners there. A band played covers as diverse as Blondie, Queen and Abba. They were pretty hot, but most of all, the female backing singer was hottest of all. I couldn't take my eyes off her all night!

My favourite has her lips curled around, uh, a microphone here

Tim and I agreed that the Crazy bar was a pretty cool place to hang out (especially when he got chatting to a really hot girl outside).
I slept in a bit the next day, but I was determined to finally make it down to Railay. I headed over to the docks but again I was the only one there and the boat driver was waiting for more people to come. Railay was definitely more of an early morning trip. However I found out that there was another dock a short way away that could definitely get me there. I negotiated with a cab driver who drove me there and bought me the boat ticket too. I waited patiently with five other people but again, the skipper was waiting for two more bodies. After twenty minutes I got annoyed with waiting around and suggested to the other passengers that we all chip in the fare for the two missing people. Everyone agreed and we left immediately.
The boat trip was short but really showed Railay off at its best. It really was an amazing sight from the water. When we got to the beach however, the boat could only go in so far, and dropped us about a hundred metres from firm land. I traipsed across sinking sand, getting stuck almost up to my knees in some spots. After a real slog which involved an exceptional amount of cursing on my part, I eventually made it to land and washed all the slurry off my legs.
I ambled down the beach, then cut across the island to the beach on the other side which was actually a lot nicer. Typically though, I didn't hang around. Fear of sunburn and general tedium usually keep me away from prolonged stays at a beach.

Beautiful Railay

I got the boat back to the dock and was given a lift back to town by a lady on the boat which was kind of her.
That night, Tim and I went back to Crazy where the same band were playing. Then we headed further down Maharaj Street until we came to a club called Room 69. Inside there were about fifty evenly spaced elevated tables with seats around them. There were TVs suspended from walls showing pop videos and a DJ playing standard house music. The place was pretty full. However I noticed that the girls were all sitting at one set of tables and the boys at another. It was like the start of a school disco where everyone stares wistfully at each other until someone has the courage to break the spell and cross the dance floor, only here, there was no dance floor.
One guy came up to us and laughingly pushed a whiskey bottle towards my mouth. I'm no whiskey drinker, but this seemed to be some kind of male bonding ritual so I took a gulp and he drank some of my vodka red bull. There were smiles all round, apart from one of his friends who eyed us suspiciously.
Eventually the club livened up as the boys and girls mixed.
I can't say I enjoyed the club, but then I rarely do enjoy clubs. It's hard to make conversation with loud music blaring, and Tim and I were out of our depth since we didn't know anyone and didn't speak Thai. Plus, it was all a bit sedate and formal. When we'd had enough of this new cultural experience, we headed home.
So there it was. Krabi Town had more than done its job. What started out as ambivalence had turned into a love of sorts. Krabi wasn't charming, but it was was cheap, it was real and it had superb connections for seeing the local sights. Compared to nearby Ao Nang which looked like a tourist trap, Krabi was a relief from hordes of visitors tramping down the beach with hankies on heads and ice creams clamped firmly in hands. Like a favourite, grisly old relative, it was comforting to be around and ultimately quite loveable. I hope to see her again someday.

This blog covers the period 9th-15th January 2010.

Resources:

General Krabi resources:

http://www.krabi.com/

http://www.krabinet.com/

For Krabi nightlife ideas and other good local info, check out this page and site: http://www.1stopkrabi.com/articles/krabi_nightlife/